I decided to bring you with me. Honestly, I was not sure that having you there would allow me the time I needed to pull myself together. But something encouraged me to invite you along.
And I am so glad I did.
You were so excited when I asked you to come with me. You started packing your bag right away and within an hour we were at the hotel. Within an hour of that I could not imagine not having brought you.
This is the first chunk of time we have spent together alone since our trip last fall and I was grateful for my time with only you.
Hearing you tell me about how much you love swimming lessons and ask all sorts of questions about daddy and my wedding (our reception was held at the same hotel) and remark about how beautiful the hotel is made me realize how little alone time you and I have.
It is almost always you and Sydney and I. I know the many blessings of this. I also feel like there is a lot of you that I am missing. Because I still spend so much time meeting the basic needs of a newly turned two year old.
I am working on this. I am trying to intentionally carve out time for you and I even when Sydney is around. And even ten minutes playing “Flingo” together brings us closer.
Because I still miss what we had when it was just the two of us. That I knew every single thing about you. That there was nobody else in the world who could comfort you like me, and that I was your world.
As I have said before, rationally I now know that this was going to change whether we added to our family or not. But I still miss it.
But last weekend it was just you and I for a full 24 hours.
We swam in the pool together for hours and it was mostly just you and me. We were both quiet, serene really. We swam and laughed and you hugged me and showed me all of your newly learned skills. The biggest of which was that you no longer need me in the water. The next in line of many pieces of evidence that you are getting older and becoming more independent.
I listened as you called the front desk to order room service and I watched as you unpacked your own bag, found your pajamas and put your clothes away neatly. I melted as you said “Mommy?! Come over here and snuggle in the bed with me!”
And I understood in that moment that there will always be a part of you who is my little boy. And that the feelings I have watching your independence are more sweet than bitter.
In spite of all of my mistakes and lack of know how, somehow you know that I have tried to make every choice for you. So that I can give you every single thing that is good. That with every struggle of being a new mother, my only desire has been to make you feel safe and happy and loved.
And this overnight was a gift. For you, but mostly for me. To again see so fully who you are becoming. You are one cool little guy, Owen.
I love you so much, and I love our little family too.