I Would Not Marry My Husband Again

I hear partners speak of knowing that they were “meant to be”, that it did not matter when in life they met, the result would be the same.  In all honesty, my husband and I would not have chosen to marry if we had met when we were older. We are just so different.  I could bore you with the details, but let’s just say that I am experiencing a spiritual awakening and Kris desperately wants me to quantify it.

would not marry husband
I Would Not Marry My Husband Again Jennifer Andersen OurMuddyBoots.com

If Kris and I had met last week, instead of last decade, I probably would have felt the same flood of emotion, and intuitively known that this was the guy for me, but now I am smarter.  I have learned that love isn’t all it takes, and that intuition is not valid. At almost 40,  my life experience and practicality tell me that we should have more in common, and that our communication issues are too great to conquer.  It is because of these realities that I can say with confidence; I would not choose to marry my husband again.

So today, on our ten year anniversary,  I will thank God that Kris and I met when we were foolish enough to believe that love is all you need.  I will count my blessings that we were naive and filled with hope. I will look at the faces in our wedding picture and smile;  not because the road ahead of the two posed bodies is beautiful and full of grace, but because it was not.

Kris and I have strengthened each other and hurt each other.  We have changed each other and held each other back.  We have said the wrong thing, and clung to each other through sobs.  We have marveled at twenty brand new toes, and lost ourselves, and each other, in the abyss of parenthood.

With all of the challenges and trouble spots in our marriage, we have found our way through, and our way back to each other.  Over and over again.

I can attest that it has taken a whole lot more than than love to make it through ten years of marriage.  Sometimes though, love was the only thing that held us together.

Life would be different if I had married someone else. Maybe my partner and I would yell less, and listen more.  We might seek to understand the other more quickly, and not take so long to forgive.  Life could be easier, even more peaceful.  But then, life would be with somebody else.

When I look at our wedding picture, snapped ten years ago today, I will smile; not because our life has been beautiful and easy, but because we have lived it together.

I would not marry my husband again.
I Would Not Marry My Husband Again Jennifer Andersen OurMuddyBoots.com

19 Replies to “I Would Not Marry My Husband Again”

  1. Long lasting marriages are filled with growing pains, but you grow together, not apart. My husband and I are different too, but we support each other in our weaknesses. We hit 20 years this year, and I feel like it’s the best it has been. We worked a lot of things out, matured and stuck with each other. Our arguments are much less , and we have even learned to laugh at old annoyances.

    It takes so much work, but it is so worth it. We did the MBTI personality test…We speak two different languages! I am INTP and he is ISFP. Learning about ourselves and working with this personality theory has helped a lot.BTW, I had to do all the legwork and read everything to him…he was interested only in that it helped us and made me happy. He’d have never done this on his own. We’ve been working on this for the last ten years…tweaking things, gaining insight and epiphanies along the way.

    Wishing you both a long and happy marriage…through the many ups and downs.

    • Thank you so much Alexandria. Your words resonate with me. Once I began to fully understand introvert and extrovert (when I realized my daughter seemed to be an introvert) it changed a lot in my marriage. I am an extrovert and my husband an introvert. I realized that my constantly asking him to process things with me was like nails on a chalkboard for him. I adjusted (and explained) and things got better.

      This indeed is the beauty of sticking with it- we learn, we learn, we learn. We learn so much; about each other, the world, and ourselves.

      My husband and I speak different languages too- but after ten years, we are finally starting to see that their is beauty in each of them.

      I appreciate that you took the time to share your insights and experience with us. Thank you <3

  2. Thanks for sharing these words of honesty and wisdom with us. I’m sure many of us were nodding here in unspoken agreement. You expressed something that many of us have instinctively felt or known,but couldn’t put into words as succinctly as you did. One thing I’ve realised after 20 years of marriage is how important shared values are,and attitudes towards things like raising children,-in laws,and health. Not to mention the value of open communication when things get rough,and how conflicts will be dealt with. Many of these things are not considered when we are in the honeymoon period! We pick it all up as we go along! (much like raising children,I suppose!) Fantastic thought-provoking article!

    • Nicky,

      We do pick these things up as we go, don’t we? It seems the more willing we are to admit that things need improvement, the more easily and fully they improve, and the more we learn about ourselves and each other 🙂

  3. Jennifer,

    If only every teenager and young single person could read and believe these sage words. If every married person could settle comfortably into the truth of the experience you shared…we could embrace the challenges and move forward (more quickly) to the maturity and commitment that “living in family” requires and merits!

    Congratulations and happy anniversary!

    Allie

    • Hi Allie,

      Thank you so much for sharing those words, they remind me of the philosophy “it is neither good nor bad, it just is”. Realizing this has taken the pressure off of my marriage, (and out entire life!). Getting over the forced-on-us ideals and taboo of being honest about family life is difficult. I agree that once we do, the whole world opens up- right along with our hearts.

      Thank you for being here.

  4. Maarriage is not about living on love and ease. Its about leaning on God (or who ever your Higher Power is) to grow and learn. Life at 20, or 30, or 40 or on is never going to be easy. Its not about doing it right, or differentlly its about doing it for a bigger reason. It seems you get that. Happy Anniversary!

  5. When I began feeling that I would not have married my first husband is when I decided I wanted more than that out of a partnership. We are now great friends, and I married the man of my dreams this time, and would do so all over again. I wish everyone could feel the way we do on our anniversary.

    • Maddie,

      Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us. It sounds like you are happy now. Congratulations <3 It is always inspiring to hear about couples who maintain strong friendships after separating.

      This piece illustrates (or was meant to!) the gratitude that I feel for honoring my intuition when Kris and I first met, rather than dismissing it. Since becoming a parent, I have come to appreciate that intuition is a valid source. Ah, growth.... 🙂

      Thanks so much for being here Maddie!

  6. That’s funny. Opposite for me. My husband & I met when we were in our 30s, and have often commented that if we’d met 10 years earlier we wouldn’t have given each other a passing glance. We were both so much more open & flexible in our 30s. He’s a bit conventional & restrained & I have a louder, more colourful nature. However, by the time we got beyond our 20s we were both a lot less narrow in our outlooks on the world. We fell in love very quickly & have been married for 23 years. I’m still a bit wild and woolly and he’s still more on the sober side, but it works for us 🙂

    • 🙂 Thanks for sharing your thoughts Zydeco! I love this: “I’m still a bit wild and woolly and he’s still more on the sober side”. That sounds like a fun relationship.

  7. So I’m confused. You say in the piece you’ve learned intuition is not valid, but in the comment above you say since becoming a parent you’ve learned intuition is valid. What am I missing?

  8. Have you tried marriage counseling? Or for that matter, individual?
    And I can’t help but think that you’re putting this out into the internet realm for all the world to read, including your own kids……

  9. This is a good piece and bravo to you to put this out there! I feel this way too many times and thought I was the only one! Well I guess I dont know if I am the only one because I have been to embarrassed to put this question out there. I have often thought, I do love my husband, but we are soooooo different! But these differences are what I loved about him, but now there are hard for me. This gives me hope that we will be at peace with these difference in the future. Because for us it is for life:)

  10. I know this post was 1 1/2 years ago, but I want to share some insight on my marriage. I am an ISFP and my husband is an ESTJ. Totally different ways of thinking, feeling, and communicating. it has been a hell of a struggle, but something is keeping us totally obsessed with each other. I can’t stand him at times because he is like a robot. And he can’t stand that my thoughts seem to come and go like the wind. I am always the one running to him after an argument like, “I wuvvvv youuu.” Sometimes I wish he would come to me, but I can’t hold back my feelings of love. I hate conflict so I like to resolve things quickly. He believes in punishment and retribution.. Ugh i hate that! Anyways, I hope we can weather the storm of life together because it can be incredibly trying and hurtful at times.

    • Olivia, you sound like me and my relationship. 13 yrs and we are so very different in the ways you describe above. Well, I didn’t know we were so different when we married because we never lived together and I was only ever going to see the differences when that happened. I can certainly say I wouldn’t have married him had I seen the reality. We are separating now….it is very sad but with 3 children and a determination to finally try and break the cycle and show my children this is not the way marriages have to be it is the way forward. Some differences in life are too great to surmount. Without anger and aggression we could have worked it through but it’s just too much. If only…