I am accepting responsibility for my parenting mistakes. In “A Rocky Start: A Letter for My Children” I share this with my children.
Dear Sydney and Owen,
We got off to a rocky start- like three years a rocky start. More accurately, I got off to a rocky start. You were just babies.
Becoming a mother for the first time was a more difficult adjustment for me than I could have envisioned. I was depressed but hugely in love with you Owen.
Becoming a mother for the second time was so much easier than I expected. Until you woke up at six weeks, Sydney. And then all hell broke loose. I have told you about this before though, and I have apologized many times.
More importantly than saying I was sorry, I committed to making a change. We were headed down a path that would continue to separate us. There was a fear in me that our lives would spiral out of control if I was not the boss of you. How could that not shape our dynamic? I recognized that I could decide that our lives were not going to continue in the same way- that I could shape our family dynamic.
I have nearly overcome the behaviors that came from this fear. I suppose it is like recovering from anything though; I always have to be aware so that I do not return to these ways.
I wonder what life would have been like if I had not faced my worst fears and admitted my flaws. I suspect we would be distant and you would be uncertain in life because you would have been uncertain with me.
I am a work in progress and I will always have a long way to go. For you two I will continue to find my way, face my fears and be the home and comfort that you require. Nothing except motherhood could make me do this.
It is scary, unsure and wrought with anxiety- until I do it. Once I admit whatever that next awful thing is about myself everything becomes better, I become lighter and I have more space to be with you.
I love you both so much, Owen and Sydney. You have not only given me joy, but the desire to better myself.