I want to make choices that bring my children and I closer, not push them apart. This is why I am learning to discipline gently. Author’s Note: Now I refer to this as parenting gently.
The first years were easy for me. At least in terms of choices.
Once Owen was born, there was never a question in my mind about how I would care for him. His needs were my priority. In every situation and moment. There was never an exception.
Many said that I was not taking care of myself and that I was spoiling him, but I did not listen. Every part of my being knew exactly what to do.
Though the actions were easy for me, the time period was not. And while part of me would give a lot to go back and snuggle a newborn Owen, too much of me would never wish to relive that time period. But that is a story for another day.
4 1/2 years later things are not coming as intuitively for me.
And now I can clearly see that I need to learn more; about child development and what my children are developmentally capable of, and about why my kids act the way that they do. Because with each new piece of information that I learn, my patience increases and my interactions with my children become more respectful.
I was lacking in both of these regards for some time. In fact, I handled things extremely poorly for too long.
I think because the first years came so easily to me, I did not realize that there had been a shift, and that I was struggling and resorting to impulsive and thoughtless reactions to things like hitting and toy grabbing and spitting. Without realizing it, solutions that litter the news stands started running through my mind. Like time-outs and withholding toys and promising that a favorite activity would be taken away.
Just like when Owen was a baby and the “solutions” presented in mainstream parenting magazines felt horribly wrong for my baby, so did they for my toddler and preschooler.
Then one afternoon things reached a crescendo, and it suddenly became clear to me that I needed to make a change. That I needed to find ways of working through these challenges that would bring my children and I closer together, not push us apart.
As soon as I acknowledged that this positive change needed to occur, many resources became available. Resources that are helping me learn how to guide my children while remaining respectful, kind and loving.
And in just a few short months things are better. Never perfect, but measurably better.
This part of our family life will see a constant need for improvement from me and my husband. But we are willing to commit. For the sake of our children, and because it is what feels right.
Click here for five changes I have made for my children.
Have you had a shift like this? Have you been caught thinking the only way to discipline is one that does not feel right to you? Let us know in the comments below.
Isn’t it amazing how as soon as we declare to the Universe what we need in order to make a positive change, that the Universe creates it for us? All we have to do is be open to receiving the opportunity and then learn from it.
I’m so happy to have found your blog! It is beautiful and full of great information. I love your poignant honesty.
Joy to you and yours!
It really is Patti. I don’t know why I seem to forget this just when I need it the most! I suppose it is just the process of learning to live
Thanks so much for stopping by. I am looking forward to reading more of your stuff!
I had the same experience of the first years coming very easily. Now that my daughter is nearly 5, we’ve struggled. I feel we’re on to something now though.
I think it was easier at first because it really is instinctual when we’re still basically one with our children. I created a situation where I wasn’t encouraging her to really seperate from me in a healthy, partly because I was using that bond, that oneness as the way to steer us both.
Perfect for the early years, but confusing and not good for the stage she came in to.
We live and we learn.
I got some really good advice at just the right time and that helped so much.
I love it that you and your husband have made this committment together.
Teresa,
My husband supporting my intuition and all of these parenting choices that we have no seem modeled anywhere in our own lives is one of the things I am most grateful for!
Thanks for sharing your own experience. It always helps me (and I am sure others) to see other not only acknowledge that this parenting-gig is not easy, but that the sky does not fall if we open ourselves to trying new things. Uncertainty can produce lots of anxiety (at least for me!). Thank you for stopping by!
I’ve just come across this website,and I love it! I have 3 children,all of them raised with family bed/extended breastfeeding,etc..Now they are past the breastfeeding age,I do miss that bond and cosy intimacy..but being able to actually have conversations with them is something I’m still in awe of! Yes,disciplining gets more tricky as they get older,and like you,I tried techniques which,while avoided smacking,still felt contrived or unnatural (e.g. time outs) – But I have felt a big shift in the last few months. Suddenly I gained some kind of inner strength and confidence,as well as lots of perspective and humour. The humour is a must! I’ve noticed that just TALKING TO (rather than at) my kids,with real eye contact,and in the way I would talk to an adult,really gets them listening. And making time for them is also important,I believe (hard when you are busy,I know) but I try my best to be as present as possible,to not rush through life.I sense deep down they feel valued. And I’m proud to see how they are intuitive compassionate kids,with a strong sense of right and wrong . I feel I’m doing something right at last! But really just my attitude changed,more so than the kids! By the way,you are so right,learning about child development is a must. I knew practically nothing about kids until I had my own. And I still have much to learn. Luckily they are patient teachers! All the best to you and all the other bloggers. Am so happy to have found this blog!