Public shaming and publicly humiliating our children is an alarmingly popular and growing trend. Before employing this “technique”, please read this important information.
“That cost, he says, is that the lessons learned by children are not the ones that the parent intended. What harshly disciplined kids absorb, he warns is “(1) my parent isn’t a caring ally whom I can trust but an enforcer I should try to avoid, (2) when you have a problem with what someone else has done, you should just use power to make the other person do what you want, and (3) the reason not to steal (or lie or hurt people) isn’t because of how it affects others but because of the consequence you, yourself, will face if you’re caught. No wonder so many adults who do terrible things were humiliated, or spanked, or otherwise punished — often harshly — when they were young.” Click here to read.
“But mainly we force them into lying because the way in which we approach discipline over myriad other issues makes them scared to be honest with us. Scared we’ll be unreasonably angry. Scared we’ll hate them. Scared we’ll take our love away. So they lie and when they get caught and we humiliate them, we’ve confirmed every feeling they had before which is what led them to lie in the first place.” Click here to read more.
“My first analytical thought when I read a headline like this, is well, what makes the parent RIGHT? There is little or no context for these headlines. Could these parents possibly have overreacted? Could they be manipulative? Fame junkies? Desperate for help and it’s about them? Willing to hurt their child over a bruised ego? Seeking childish revenge? Embarrassed that they look like a bad mother? They don’t trust their kids so the kids tried something rebellious anyway? Who KNOWS but it seems likely the motivators are parent focused (I WILL WIN, I WILL LOOK GOOD) vs. teaching the child, hey, “stealing is not acceptable.” ” Click here to read more.
These parents purposely humiliated their child on the theory that they won’t do it again. In reality they opted for a short-term solution that will probably be ineffective in the long term. Psychoanalyst Alice Miller explains in her manifesto, Every Smack is a Humiliation, that humiliation be it physical or emotional leaves lasting marks. She wrote: “Few insights gained in the last 20 years are so securely established as the realization that what we do to children when they are small, good things and bad things, will later form a part of their behavioral repertoire. Battered children will batter others, punished children act punitively, children lied to become liars themselves.” And by extension, humiliated children will humiliate. Click here to read.