I think of my beautiful baby boy, brand new, forced out of his comfortable fetal position and strapped down against his will. Helpless. I think of the scalpel being taken to his unsuspecting soul.
I remember myself in the hospital room, thinking of nothing but my baby. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to scream, I wanted to save him- to protect him.
Owen is 4.5 now, and I know. I realize what I put him through. I am understanding more clearly with each day that passes. Sometimes I have to stop learning the truth, because I think I might die.
Some of you will think I am being dramatic. You will think that I should just be grateful for my healthy son and that this “problem” is frivilous. It is not.
Every time I think of another baby, another mother experiencing this, I want to scream and cry and pound my fists. I want to let go and sob and tell the world how ANGRY I am. How UNJUST this is.
I want to lose my composure and speak honestly instead of carefully. I want to yell fact after fact after fact and say “WHY DO YOU NOT WANT TO KNOW? WHY DO YOU PRETEND IT IS NOT TORTURE? PLEASE LISTEN BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE”.
And I want those who hear me screaming to recognize my pain and to finally wonder “what could her motive be?” And to realize that I have never stood for anything before and that I am smart and thoughtful and do not take life or words or influence lightly. That if I am standing up for this it should be considered.
I want somebody to look me in the eyes and say “I hear you, and now I know too. I will protect our babies”.
I want people to see that I have a full life and do not need a cause. That my adult life was devoted to serving others until I had children, and that this was my God-given time to focus on my own family. Instead, I have become outraged, and I will experience total discomfort in the interest of sparing one baby, one mother.
I do not want to scare people, I want them to hear this critical information. So instead of screaming, I will continue on a smart and careful path. This is difficult information to learn. I will be sensitive and particular in how I share the truth.
I do not want to unlearn what I have learned- there is nothing blissful about ignorance when babies experience pain.
Inside though I am tormented every day; by my choice, by the fact that I did not protect my son from evil.
If you are taking a polite back seat I urge you to reconsider. Every cry of outrage matters and can change things. My own torment permits me to beg of you: please speak up. Speak up to stop a baby’s scream.