One of two very good reasons for me to do better.
I allowed my son to be circumcised.
Here is our story, and to sum it up I will say that until very recently I have held on to a tremendous amount of anger and regret over the fact that I made an uninformed choice. I did not know any of the facts, and believed what I was being told.
The day that Owen was circumcised was a traumatic day for both of us, and only recently have I been able to fully think about what those hours were like for me. I still cannot think about what they were like for my two day old baby.
But truly, I DID NOT KNOW. I trusted the doctors and had listened to countless stories from those around me. I heard talk about caring for the wound as thought it was a standard part of brining home a baby boy, and those around me spoke about the procedure as though it was minor. This reinforced my understanding that really, there was no other option. So I did not even think about it.
And now my child has been mutilated.
And it was I who signed the paperwork allowing it.
For a long time I coped by pretending that the facts were not true. Maybe it was to ease my guilt, or so that I would not have to think about what the day my son was circumcised was like for him. Maybe it was so that I would not have to figure out what to do with my anger.
But now, the facts are too great to ignore, and I was wrong. And I have learned.
I have learned to give myself and my children the gift of taking the time to educate myself with facts. Not just on circumcision, but all things pertaining to the well being of my babies. I am learning to challenge what I am being told when it does not feel right.
Because my mother’s intuition is never wrong. Even if those around me try to tell me that it is.
Most importantly though, I have learned that I somehow have to find a way to make some sort of peace with the mistakes that I have made. For some of my choices this will be more difficult, and for some it may even be impossible.
But I am going to try. Part of this process for me is sharing what I have learned. Because I do not want another mother to feel this way. There are great resources and lots of support out there if you look for it.
And today I want to leave those of you who wish you had chosen differently, with the thought that started my own healing process. I hope it can do the same for you.
“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I can do better.”
Maya Angelou
Doing better for me, starts here.
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I applaud you coming forward and admitting you made a mistake. That is rare among many people who mutilate their boys. Once you know better, you do better. It’s comforting, to me at least, to know that if you have another boy, you are now informed and will make a better choice.
I think it is an extremely hard mistake to admit because what do you do with that? If I admitted that I was wrong, what does that mean for me as a parent? And I think it was easier to just continue to turn my head and my ears when I was offered the facts.
I suppose there is a solace that comes from knowing that I will never, ever make the same horrid choice again. I wish it offered some comfort though.
Thank you for taking the time to write. The past couple of days have been eye opening for me- and for once in an extremely positive way.
“Someone” online got to me before my first son was born. He was a planned homebirth, so unlikely we would have gone through with it anyway. But his birth became a hospital birth, and it was “escape from circumcision mountain.” I’m very very very glad I knew already, I even wrote it on all of his diapers and did not let that baby out of my sight. But, had I not known, had I not researched, I could have fallen into the trap of nurses and doctors pushing for it. I don’t think I would have, and luckily i never have to find out. Circumcision has become my single largest passion and knowledge base, and I am an intactivist to the core. But there is always there, in the deep recesses of my mind, the knowledge that there but for the grace of god go I.
It was smart to be so careful while you were in the hospital. Your son is a fortunate little boy. And you gave yourself a gift too, by making a choice that was so kind to your child.
What do you say in response to these ecdimal organizations statements against infant male circumcision? 2004 College of Physicians and Surgeons of British Columbia, Infant Male Circumcision: “Current understanding of the benefits, risks and potential harm of this procedure no longer supports this practice for prophylactic health benefit. Routine infant male circumcision performed on a healthy infant is now considered a non-therapeutic and ecdimally unnecessary intervention.”2003 British Medical Association, The Law and Ethics of Male Circumcision: Guidance for Doctors: “The ecdimal benefits previously claimed have not been convincingly proven… The British Medical Association considers that the evidence concerning health benefits from non-therapeutic circumcision is insufficient for this alone to be a justification for doing it.”2002 Royal Australian College of Physicians, Policy Statement on Circumcision:“There is no ecdimal indication for routine male circumcision.”2002 American Academy of Family Physicians, Position Paper on Neonatal Circumcision: “Evidence from the literature is often conflicting or inconclusive… A physician performing a procedure for other than ecdimal reasons on a nonconsenting patient raises ethical concerns.”2000 American Medical Association (AMA), Report 10 of the Council on Scientific Affairs: “Virtually all current policy statements from specialty societies and ecdimal organizations do not recommend routine infant circumcision…The AMA supports the general principles of the 1999 Circumcision Policy Statement of the American Academy of Pediatrics.” 1999 American Academy of Pediatrics, Circumcision Policy Statement: “Existing scientific evidence … [is] not sufficient to recommend routine neonatal circumcision.”1996 Canadian Paediatric Society, Neonatal Circumcision Revisited: “Circumcision of newborns should not be routinely performed.”1996 Australian Medical Association, Circumcision Deterred: “The Australian College of Paediatrics should continue to discourage the practice of circumcision in newborns.”1996 British Medical Association, Circumcision of Male Infants: Guidance for Doctors: “To circumcise for therapeutic reasons where ecdimal research has shown other techniques to be at least as effective and less invasive would be unethical and inappropriate.”1996 Australasian Association of Paediatric Surgeons, Guidelines for Circumcision: “The Australasian Association of Paediatric Surgeons does not support the routine circumcision of male neonates, infants, or children in Australia. It is considered to be inappropriate and unnecessary as a routine to remove the prepuce [foreskin], based on the current evidence available… We do not support the removal of a normal part of the body, unless there are definite indications to justify the complications and risks which may arise. In particular, we are opposed to male children being subjected to a procedure, which had they been old enough to consider the advantages and disadvantages, may well have opted to reject the operation and retain their prepuce.”
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have a very similar one, including the fact that my son may have been affected by his experience – he had severe colic as an infant and sleep issues, and to this day requires constant attention, very frequent comforting, and is very sensitive. My son is 3 now, and after having learned so much about attachment parenting and gentle parenting concepts, and circumcision (too late), I am now in what seems like a constant state of grief and anger at myself for not doing the research I should have done before he was born. I was able to change the way I parented him as I learned more over time, but I cannot change the fact that I chose circumcision for him. I will never, ever forgive myself for doing that to him, my sweet, precious angel from heaven. I would give anything – ANYTHING!!! – to turn back time. I don’t know how to move on from this, it just gets worse every day. Bless you for sharing your story. I hope it helps other mothers to make the right choice, because living with this is hell.
Rebecca,
I could have written your words myself. It is my story, too. I can say that ever so sightly the pain is starting to dull. Not because I “feel better”, but because I think it is just what time does. There is a quote from Rose Kennedy that speaks exactly what I feel:
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
We have started a sister page for the Our Muddy Boots Facebook page. It is called “Parents Overcoming Deception (POD)” and it is “a safe place to process parenting regret”. Will you come and join us there?
Yes, thank you, I will. (I may even post, if I can figure out how to make that post truly private! arghhh – FB!) I think finding ‘Our Muddy Boots’ this week has helped me to identify some of my feelings about things – thank you for that – but it also has deepened my grief as the feelings were stirred up and made fresh again. This week has been awful, I can’t stop crying. I can’t look at my son’s beautiful, happy face without hating myself, feeling sick to my stomach and just full of grief and anger for what I have taken away from him. My husband agreed at the time that we should get it done. He says there is no point in getting myself all worked up over what cannot be undone, so I can’t talk to him about these feelings. I made so many mistakes. I was 45 when I gave birth to my son – you would think I would know better, would have known to research more, to question, to not be so easily influenced by my past experiences and other people’s opinions.
The only thing that brings me any solace is that I finally followed my instincts when it came to some things. Despite our friends, family, and pediatrician’s urgings to the contrary, I nursed him on demand and (finally, after 7 months of sleeping with him in my arms in a chair and trying to lay him down to sleep in his crib – where he would promptly wake up screaming!) finally brought him to bed with me where we were able to both get some rest. So we still co-sleep, AND nurse (at 3 years, 2 months) because that’s what my little boy needs right now. I practice gentle parenting, and gentle loving discipline. No timeouts, no punishment. I was, and still am, surrounded by people who think these things are wrong, that I’m “spoiling” him (how I hate that word! how can you spoil a child by giving him love and affection?), but I have made the effort to learn and to change my thinking and over time have become a different person, thank God. Thank goodness there are so many resources out there now to show people like me that there are other ways, other methods, better ways of raising children than just what we were brought up to believe. I wish I had found Dr. Sears, AP, and Dr. Laura Markham (Aha! Parenting) earlier! It would have saved a lot of heartache and pain for all of us.
So many of your ‘Our Muddy Boots’ posts echo our experiences and my feelings to a tee. I am glad for your sake to hear your pain is starting to dull a bit. It also gives me hope that someday I will be able to cope with my feelings about this. Thanks again for sharing your feelings and your experiences.
I was “supposed” to have had my son (now 7) circumcised as an infant, at his father’s insistence (he kept getting infections as a child and was cut at the age of 13, and swears that every dr he has ever had has said that all uncircumcised males get infections and need to be circumcised eventually. Refused to acknowledge anything else, even with proof against his claims.). Luckily, I guess, for my son, our insurance wouldn’t cover it and we couldn’t afford the procedure out of pocket. I was uninformed and would have gone through with it if insurance had been willing to cover it. For what was slightly frustrating at the time (like I said, his father was INSISTENT), I am thankful, because it means my little boy was spared that trauma and I was spared the guilt of knowing I had allowed it once I learned more. I am deeply sorry that your and yours have had to deal with it, though, and I hope you find the healing and peace.
Sarah,
Thank you for your kind words. Who would have thought not having enough money would be good luck? Many of us I suppose
Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Sharing our own stories helps to open the conversation and allows others to relate. Thank you for being here.