We like to say that labeling is bad and should be avoided at all costs; that it categorizes and generalizes people and creates artificial boundaries. I agree. Mostly.
But I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this and I do think labels have a place, though I cannot quite figure out where that is or why I think it.
Then I remembered a friend who used to say that she was a vegetarian. But she ate hot dogs. And chicken and fish. Maybe only once in a while, but she ate them. Lots of people say that they are vegetarian when they are not. But, why do I care?
It is not because I think I am cooler or healthier because I am a vegetarian. But when I go to a friends house and they have carefully and thoughtfully prepared a meal of fish and rice made with chicken stock, and I do not eat it, it feels ROTTEN. For everyone involved.
And part of the reason this happens is because people misuse the label of vegetarian, and it confuses people.
And it seems to me that there is some connection between this story and labeling in general.
If I practice attachment parenting and my friend says that she does too, I may go to her for advice. If I am a new parent I am probably confused anyway. If her advice is that letting the baby Cry It Out is the way to go, I become confused and feel more isolated. Because then I feel like even those who practice Attachment Parenting let their babies cry, and my instincts are not trustworthy.
If a mom does not breastfeed, uses a stroller standardly and her baby sleeps in a crib, but says that she practices Attachment Parenting it is confusing. Really I think that she is saying that responds lovingly and gently to her children- which is something I am all for. Which is also different than Attachment Parenting.
This is a slippery slope, I agree. Exclusivity is not something that I think is good. But sometimes labels, or terms, help us to process information.
My conversations are different with parents who tell me they practice Attachment Parenting. I speak more freely and ask more pointed questions because I so desperately am trying to understand the practicalities of this parenting choice that I have made.
And sometimes what I ask may offend a parent. But it is not because what I have said is offensive, it is because I was operating with the wrong information.
So I do think that somehow labels are useful- even if only for helping us to understand philosophies and concepts and relate to each other more thoughtfully.
What do you think? Do labels serve a purpose? Would using a term other than labels be more accurate? Are they useful or are the divides they create to great?
Yes, slippery indeed! (BTW, I am a new follower of your blog and am really enjoying it! Thank you for sharing all of your thoughts, experiences, goals, etc for your parenting journey. I particularly liked the one you wrote the other day (yesterday?) about what you believe in.)
Anyway, back to this post about labels. I definitely agree that labels and generalizations can be helpful in understanding and give us a starting point in a discussion or in developing an understanding of something. Eg: If a new mom I meet says she practices “attachment parenting”, I would assume that at least some (maybe all) of our parenting practices and style of communicating with our children are similar. Eg2: If a new mom I meet pulls out McDonalds for her child’s lunch at the park, I also will assume that our priorities in life and in parenting are likely not aligned….similarly if I hear a parent shaming their child, I would assume that we don’t have similar goals of communicating with our children.
But the tricky part about labels that imply (or overtly!) require a list of criteria is that I fear that some people get discouraged from even attempting ONE or SOME of the list. For example, I would hate to for a mom to not breastfeed her newborn just because she was being told that it also required her to co-sleep, wear her baby, practice EC, follow baby-led solids, etc etc. While I agree that all of those things will certainly help and support breastfeeding efforts and goals, I know plenty of moms (me!) who used a crib at times and a stroller at times and diapers all the time yet still had a long & successful breastfeeding relationship with their children. I was actually at a La Leche League conference where one presenter said at one point “not that I think any of YOU ever used a crib” and another presenter said similarly “not that I think many of you use strollers….” … and it made me really sad. This is so exclusionary and really polarizes these goals when I think mom and baby can certainly benefit from a relationship that has SOME of “AP” principles … and if moms feel like it is all or nothing, they might not even try….?
Yet ever since the Time Magazine disaster last week, I have friends who say in one breath that they are AP parents since they BF, co-sleep & have a baby bjorn in their house. And in the next breath they shame their child and put them in a time out. Sigh.
But I totally agree too that if various people are watering down’ the principles, this makes it tough for others to understand the ‘real’ values/principles/philosophies behind AP. And I like your vegetarian analogy… Perhaps people just need to ask more questions rather than assuming…? My husband is French but does not drink wine. He doesn’t like it. I can’t tell you how many bottles of wine he is given as gifts and how many people hand him the wine menu at a restaurant when he is out at a business dinner. Ha!
But I agree that asking these questions (in order to better understand a person’s position on the spectrum of a particular label) can be awkward, can seem offensive and likely make people defensive. [....Ah, defensiveness.....That's my other dilemma in life - as I am sure for many others - how to share with others (WHEN ASKED EVEN! Because I certainly don't volunteer the info much) about my life/parenting/communication goals/choices without the person asking becoming defensive about their own goals/choices. Seriously.makes.me.so.frustrated. But I know I feel defensive at times too so .....]
I’m really interested to hear other readers thoughts on this……
– Jessica
Hi Jessica,
First welcome! We are all glad that you are here!
Thanks so much for that thoughtful response. You’ve given (at least me!) a lot to think about. Another issue that I had not even clarified enough in my own mind to realize is “watering down the principles”. And again, I am not trying to win the award for most attached parent- as everyone will agree, our awards are before us every day
But I do think that if these principles are misrepresented it is a disservice to families who might want to practice them. And from listening to lots of parents (moms in particular) we don’t typically go out looking for a parenting style to practice… something feels right and then outside influences either confirm or deny it.
We may often look to others for suggestions on particularities though, and again that’s where I think it is useful to know where another is coming from. Also because of that not wanting to offend thing. I have said things that I wished I hadn’t based on being given the (unintentionally) wrong information. And I still feel bad about it.
I suspect that there are cultures which exist without labels, and that is what I have been trying to think of. It is just so hard to get out of what is ingrained in me
So- we agree that we do not know the answer to the question “do labels matter?”! I actually LOVE that!
I also tend to find labels useful because they help me to categorize and make sense of information and help me as I seek out resources, which I think is similar to what you seem to be saying. However, I find labels can be also be limiting sometimes. It’s in part about how you perceive them and then act on the info you get from that label, and about how others do as well (which is hard because we usually can’t know or control that!).
When I first learned about unschooling and started to talk to others about it I got chastised for labeling my kid. However, in my head I wasn’t using the labels to define who he is, or what he may be capable of doing, but sort of as keywords. They were helping me to to gain additional information about kids with similar traits or ask questions of people with similar situations. It took me a while to understand why labels were perceived so negatively. In part it’s because they have expectations and rules attached. They can also be sort of depersonalizing. People start to look at the label and not the person behind it and make assumptions based on he label.
Labels make things sort of black and white, which is both good and bad. As a vegan, I like when products are labeled. It conveys important info and helps me feel safe eating something, or not. But when labels are applied to people it’s different. And so often labels are the cause of us vs. them mentality. You’re either in or out of the club, good when you’re trying to find like minded people, but bad when it’s causing negative feelings or exclusion…
I feel like I’m rambling. I hope that makes at least a little sense!!!