Defined by basic principles of responding to our babies’ and children’s needs, Attachment Parenting is parenting plain and simple. Many choose to call it ‘instinctual’ parenting because it is a form of parenting that has been practiced for millions of years, since the dawn of humankind.
“The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children. Attachment Parenting challenges us as parents to treat our children with kindness, respect and dignity, and to model in our interactions with them the way we’d like them to interact with others.” -Attachment Parenting International.
This “style” of parenting is dubbed “extreme” by the mainstream media and culture. The same group of people that commonly promotes formula as an equal to breastmilk, rice cereal to help young infants sleep longer, and cry-it-out to the point of vomiting and passing out. Repeatedly.
The same collection of people who calls insinctual parenting extreme also tells us to:
- Sleep separately from our infants so that they will become independent. When they are babies.
- feed cows milk at the age of 1 to replace of breastmilk or formula
- hit children to teach them right from wrong
- circumcise our baby boys to prevent some disease they may never catch or so that they will match someone else’s body
It seems to me that extreme is being applied to the wrong list of behaviors. Just because something is commonly accpeted as right, does not make it right. If any societal norm/tradition/ideal infringes upon the rights or well-being of another person, it is not right at all.
I like to teach others through empathy and compassion. I do my best to see views from all angles possible. I do not place harsh judgement on those who parent differently than I do. I most certainly do not look down upon those who have been deceived and therefore believe that what they are doing is “right” or if they were unaware that there are other ways.
I do not fault others for being human; a person that makes mistakes; a person that can be pressured to do things they would normally never do. But I cannot and will not support practices that hurt those who cannot defend themselves. Not only can they not defend themselves, but they cannot advocate for themselves. Therefore, they have no voice.
Our culture encourages harsh treatment to the weakest and most vulnerable members of our society. These accepted practices are anything but normal to our species. Many of these actions would be considered assault toward an adult, or abuse and neglect to an elderly person. These practices are not only allowed on the most vulnerable, but they are encouraged and deemed a normal, acceptable, and needed form of parenting.
I do not accept it. If believing that my child deserves parenting which allows her to thrive- without fear and insecurities- makes me an extreme parent. Then I am as extreme as they come.
“It is fortunate that each generation does not comprehend its own ignorance. We are thus enabled to call our ancestors barbarians.” Charles Dudley Warner
We have five boys and I have so changed my parenting skills from our oldest son to how we parent our younger son – now I am more relaxed and support him in whatever way I can.
I also parent my other boys differently – I really like the Extreme Parenting….where i listen to my boys and work with what they need instead of what I should be doing according to the norm.
We have noticed a huge change in our boys behaviour because both hubby and I have changed
Lisa,
I know just what you mean! We started down a wrong path with discipline when Owen was about 2. Once my husband and I changed, everything changed! I am so grateful that we caught ourselves early enough- though we still have a long way to go.
Five boys! How much fun (and crazy, too)!
Thanks so much for sharing your useful and inspiring thoughts. They remind us that the responsibility is ours, not our children’s.
Jen
I think it’s just plain stupid how attachment parenting is called extreme now… It’s probably the least extreme parenting style there is.
An honest question – I totally agree with treating children with complete love and respect – but doesn’t that “respect,” in some way, remove the authority of the parent? At some point, your kids will grow up and they WILL misbehave because, developmentally, they aren’t as mature as adults (not a bad thing, just true – their prefrontal cortexes won’t be done developing for a loooong time). How do you apply what I’ve read here to a disciplinarian role?
Similarly, what about when the needs/wants/actions of your children disrupt the needs/wants/actions of other people? As a minor example, a girl behind me on the bus today was kicking the back of my seat NONSTOP and her mother did nothing to stop her. The girl was obviously enjoying herself, but her behavior still wasn’t appropriate.
Oh, and I’m totally with you on the breastfeeding thing. Sing it sister. NOTHING will ever COME CLOSE to being as nourishing, healthy, and all-around perfect for a growing baby.
Hi Claire,
Totally hear the genuineness of your question. It is a really big one though!
Yes, this does remove the authority of the parent. That is the goal. A disciplinarian is a teacher not a “punisher”- those two are often confused. We have lots of discipline in our house, mostly through modeling. Actually, nearly all through modeling. The example you reference about the bus is impossible to address. We do not know the full story. The girl could have a sensory issue, the mother could have just lost a loved one and was not paying attention. The mother may not have known what to do and chose to do nothing.
Or, the mother may not have respect for those around her and thought this was not a problem. That has nothing to do with the type of parenting described above though.
I fumble through so much of this, as do most parents if we are realistic.
We encourage these genuine questions. Please keep asking them. Thank you for being here