In a recent book that she has written, author Rhana Reiko Rizzuto discusses the fact that she opted out of mothering her children. After accepting and completing a six- month fellowship for a writing position in Japan, she decided that mothering was not for her.
Upon returning Stateside, she divorced, and gave up custodial rights to her five and three year old children to pursue her own interests.
Suggesting that this decision was anything less than admirable will likely earn me the labels of antiquated, old fashioned, conservative and unsupportive of women. In reality, there is scientific evidence that supports that children who are abandoned by either parent will suffer from long -term effects.
While I have to trust that this decision was somehow right for the Rizzuto family, I fear that it will create a backlash for unsuspecting women.
Overwhelmed stay at home mothers who also feel the all- encompassing nature of child rearing, might begin to resent their families because they choose to stay in spite of strong desires to fully reconnect with Self. Mothers who do all that they can to successfully balance work, family life and time with their children might wonder if they must continue.
Particularly given that it is repeatedly suggested that it is not possible to value self when actively mothering, because valuing your self through mothering is weak and unacceptable.
And also because we have not taken the time to appreciate this important role, or be open about how lonely and challenging it is.
Even in spite of these messages we continue to stay with our children. And it is not only time, sanity and full sense of self that we sometimes sacrifice. When many of us stay at home mom’s gave up our incomes, we also knowingly gave up family vacations, the coolest gadgets and more spacious and impressive homes.
And though sometimes we may envy a friend who has those things, we continue to make the same choice day after day.
Rizzuto has done a significant disservice to those of us who choose to continue mothering our children. Whether we work outside of the home, or solely at home.
By drawing on a comparison that many of us are trying to eliminate (that of the apron wearing 1950’s housewife offering freshly baked cookies who is available to meet each whim of her children until they go to bed at night) she has insulted us.
This message suggests that those of us who continue to parent our children value ourselves less. That somehow, we have less confidence, intellect and potentially valuable contributions to society; that we are either an apron -wearing housewife (designation coming from caring for ones children), or interesting.
This comparison suggests that the more we parent our children, the less we value ourselves, or that this role of parenting must be “all” that we are capable of. I am not ashamed that my children are not my only, but my primary interest.
There are many theories on why this role is rarely given the positive attention it deserves, and at some point I will write about a few of them, but not today. Today’s entry is simply a reminder. A reminder of how important and commendable our work is.
This message is not so much about one mothers decision to opt out. It is my acknowledgement to all of you that our work as parents is important and valuable.
No matter how you parent, what kind of parent you are and whether you stay at home or work full-time, this is a commendation for continuing to choose to parent every day. Because indeed, it does matter.
I know something about abandonment. I was given up for adoption as a baby and then made to feel abandoned when my adoptive mother had two biological children after me. I am a single mother now, with a wonderful little 4 year old boy. I would never dream of being so selfish as to say, “well, I don’t want to be a mother anymore, it’s just not for me”. There are days when I want to escape and be completely self indulgent but I remind myself that he will not be little forever. There will come a time when he will not need me like he does now and this time is short. I will enjoy every minute I can get.
Melissa,
My heart is feeling for you. I can only try to imagine how parenting your beautiful son has made you consider your own childhood. Are you finding this cathartic? I hope that question is not too personal. Many of us feel that way about parenting.
Sending you all sorts of love- to both you and your little guy.
Thank you for being here and sharing so openly <3
Thank you for your sweet message and support! I am finding being a parent is helping me to get over some of the pain of rejection I felt growing up (on a side note, I located my birth mother in 2007 and she does not want anything to do with me. Rejected TWICE, the nerve! lol) because I am so unconditionally accepted by my son. Every time he says he loves me it validates me as a mother and a person. I find worth in his eyes. He is absolutely the best thing that ever happend to me and being his mother is the most important job I will ever have. I don’t understand how anyone can turn from their child(ren). So to mothers everywhere, who love unconditionally and sacrifice their time, themselves, their heart, for their children, THANK YOU!!!
I’ve watched several of my friends give up their children and thought less of them, and they have similar views as to what being a mother entails. After being a Philosophy student and being forced to view things from all sides for four years, I no longer look down on them or think any less of them. I actually think that the view of mothers who choose to give up their children (unless for drugs, etc.) as being bad is just as negative and condescending as the thought of stay at home moms being ‘apron wearing’ June Cleaver types. We all have our own preferences, skills, and make our own mistakes and/or choices – none of them make us better than others, just different. ♥
That being said, I do believe Stay-at-home-moms lack the credit they deserve. While I know many moms who stay at home because they don’t want to work and, direct quote, ‘Would rather have it easy’ (because raising kids is easy? I wish them luck when their babies are no longer babies…), there are also many moms who could be doing 5000 things other than raising children, but dedicate their lives to their children. It’s beyond commendable. ♥
Shai,
Thank you for stopping by. This is a slippery slope that I am not ready to go down. I need to pull more thoughts together first so that I share my thoughts clearly.
Glad that you are here
Jen
I can’t imagine walking out like that. Parenting is one of the most rewarding, precious things we can do on this earth, and to walk away? Those poor children. I’m thankful that I feel the value of my job as a mom and my husband greatly recognizes it as well. On those tough days? I just remember that everything has an end, and tomorrow will be better.
Ashley-
It is especially hard to remember that at the beginning, isn’t it? When you really don’t know if tomorrow will be better?! It always does get better though. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us.
I am the mother of 3 under 5 with no family support, babysitters,money!! lol But i have the most wonderful life with my kids and husband, and sometimes its hard, really hard! But that was the choice and commitment that I made when I chose to get pregnant!! Women who abandon their children get no respect from me frankly, and thats putting it mildly!! Im obviously not talking about mums who have breakdowns or illness and need time to recover, but i think its one of the fundamdental issues with society nowadays, this perception that we all(men,women and children) have the RIGHT to be completely selfish, that we deserve to have everything our way,all the time. i could rant about this for days lol
Terri,
I agree that this is a predicament. It seems to me that in general moms needs more support. And dads. And entire families. When we don’t get this everything is more difficult. As I am sure you can attest! You must be so busy and life must be so constant. I get what you mean though, that you would not have it any other way <3 Thank you for sharing with us.